I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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