no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
