Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
