your parents love me but you hate me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
