And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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