as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Drunk is not a location!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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