Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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