I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
