I wanna bring you to show and tell
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
