Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
