she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize