I accidentally had phone sex last night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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