You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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