so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
