ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
