Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
