Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
