We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
