And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
