Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
