Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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