You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
