i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
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