Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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