rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
