I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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