your parents love me but you hate me
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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