My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
