This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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