There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
