You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
