he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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