I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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