Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
