If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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