i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
