Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
