come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
