I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
