we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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