Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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