I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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