Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
