I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
