Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
