i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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