she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
