quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
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