i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
