dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
