update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
