When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize