omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
