GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
